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  • January 24, 2005
After Jennifer's post concerning her college "experience," I think I need to do the same.

I've gone to few parties while at college, but I don't really miss the parties or "crazy times." I do feel, however, like I've wasted a lot of time instead of becoming specialized in anything related to EE.

I realized about a month ago that I've never led anything; I was always webmaster or technician or something like that for my clubs in high school, but I never once thought about being president of a group. I took those stupid leadership classes we had, those that were supposed to be big points on the college application, but I never once actually included them since I found it more important to mention my real involvement. I felt important lots of times, but once I came to Tech, I realized I never did anything that had a permanent effect on Lassiter. My orchestra website disappeared within a month of the new students taking over, as did the Mu Alpha Theta website, and the clubs I helped compete continued on as they always did. The only teachers I still talk to are the math team coaches (who are husband and wife); I still have a lot of respect for them.

I think I've done a little more at Tech being involved in the Technique and setting up the scheduler, which lots of students have used. Still, though, more photographers will fill the gap at the Nique and the scheduler may have disappeared for good at this point, so what have I really accomplished? It just reiterates my goal that I don't want to make lots of money or have a high-ranking position in a big company, I just want to matter (in a good way). I want to have been significant.

Of course, I don't really know how to do that. I like doing so many things that I never have time to become really good at any one of them, and I think it all stems from having a short attention span. I get bored with monotony and having many interests lets me move on easily, but that doesn't work in the job world. That's what I fear most when I graduate: monotony. I don't want to be just one of the masses.

Really though, it's not that I don't want to be a leader. I was content to let other students handle things in HS because I didn't really care in most cases. Why compete with people who really want it? Occasionally things popped up that mattered, and I'd rally for whatever cause, but I have an easier time fixing things that are broken than creating them in the first place. I'm better at proofreading papers (even my own) than I am at writing the first draft. It ultimately seems to come down to a fear of real responsibility - unfortunately I prefer to watch from the sidelines until I'm needed, but I am rarely the one making the calls beforehand.

*Sigh* (typing "sigh" is not fulfilling at all)
It would be nice if one's pay depended on his/her total skillset in all fields, not one's abilities in a specific field. Then I might at least be competitive. As it is, though, I'm going to have a really hard time figuring out what I really want to do for good. Ugh.

Comments

  • Matt
  • January 24, 2005
  • 9:32 am
Don't lead just because you feel you have to. It's usually best to follow your intuition.
  • Smitha
  • January 24, 2005
  • 11:03 am
Yeah--lead if you think you can do something to help, or if you think you can be a good, strong representative of the group. I mean, I'm sure the orchestra will be really different just a couple of years after we leave, and new presidents will step up and do new things--change is inevitable. New people come in and everything always evolves. And the people who change what you did--their work will be changed by their successors, too.

Oh, and I totally know what you mean, re. being good at many things but not great at just one thing. I don't have as in-depth a knowledge of graphic design as a design student, my playing technique isn't as clean as more devoted music students, I vaguely wouldn't mind getting my writing published but have taken no steps to do so (unlike friends who already have been published)...

Everyone goes through this, and everyone has regrets. The important thing is focusing on what you did enjoy, though. I posted this in Jennifer's journal, but it's hard to plan for the future while in school when you don't even know what the future is.
  • Vincent
  • January 28, 2005
  • 9:04 am
You know, I think that the lasting effect that you have is not on the organizations, but their members. How many lives you've changed is a much more fulfilling thought than how many organizations you've furthered--not to mention it's what matters more, in my eyes.

Looking back on high school, it was largely a waste of time. I haven't really accomplished anything for the school, except really being someone for the robotics team to form around. I didn't start any clubs or head any of them. But if I consider all the people whose lives I've touched, I think I've had a much greater effect that I can acknowledge here. So many of my friends are going to leave my life after this semester, and I won't see them for ten years. And that's if I'm lucky. But I can't help but feel that I've changed their lives just by existing, by being around them. And that's a far greater thing than being president of the robotics club.
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